Worthy

I said I was going to keep this place from being a pity party and that I was going to write about all the funny things the kids do or maybe a funny rant every once in a while. I want to, and I’m honestly trying, but tonight I need to let it out. I’m on an emotional roller-coaster and at the moment, I’m sad. I know. You’re already rolling your eyes thinking this is going to be about the ex-boyfriend, and it is, but only to a certain level.

I am sad that I’m alone again, but the broken heart pain is starting to fade. When I really think about it, I know we weren’t right for each other, but I wanted it so bad that I tried to make it right. I think what it boils down to is feeling like if a man loves me that much, then I must be okay. I might even be worth it. Realizing this makes me want to scream in frustration, because it’s a part of the same feelings I’ve always had. Feelings I thought I had moved past, worked through, gotten over.

People say, “No one else can love you until you love yourself.” I know there’s an opposite, no matter how wrong it is. “If no one else loves you, how can you love yourself.” I know this is wrong, and yet I can’t do anything about it. I need to feel needed. I need to love and feel loved. What I really want, is to be cherished. Just. Cherished.

Getting over Barret is still hard. I need to unfriend him on Facebook because nearly every time my mouse points to my name on accident, the hover window opens up and he’s there. I know they’re random, but it makes me think he’s still checking on me. I know he’s not. Maybe I just need to believe he might be for a little while longer. I don’t know. I’m terribly confused tonight. And I meant to write about something else entirely. And that would be the following, I suppose…

Well. I typed that and now I’ve really got nothing. But I do have plans. Plans for my career, education, and my self. I’m working on making a lot of fundamental improvements, but I guess it’s just hard to write about it. I don’t want to sound silly or immature. One thing that’s been nice is I’m getting a lot of compliments, on Facebook if nowhere else. That helps so much. I need to believe in myself again, and it’s beginning to be a little less of a struggle.

A Five Year Old’s Logic is… Logical

I haven’t told you much about my kids here, and if you don’t know me, this is your chance to meet one of them. Maritessa (pronounced like a combination of Marie and Tessa, with the emphasis on Tess) is my five year old. She is super sweet, super divafied, and super smart. She has this imagination that’s just crazy, and I love it when she makes observations about life. It’s like she’s a little blogger in the making.

Tessa

Tessa in her Pretty Woman dress

For the time being, we live with my mom and dad while I lay out of work so I can go to school. That means there is a myriad of boxes in various corners of the house. And on shelves and in closets and on top of the entertainment center… Occasionally, I take a box down and look through it. Sometimes I need something, or I need to change out toys, or sometimes it’s purely to remind me that we do have “things” and even though they’re put away, they’re still ours and we’ll have ready access to them again. When I was packing to move here, I was working 65+ hours per week, and the packing became mostly a last minute thing. Rather than pack in an organized way, throwing away old things we don’t want or need, having like items with like items, I threw shit in whatever box was closest and didn’t really care if we still needed it or not.

Earlier today, I had one of the boxes of toys down and Tess was looking through it with me. She found beloved Barbies and babies and trucks for Tripp and Noah’s Magic 8 Ball. Mixed into the box was my favorite stapler that has followed me to every job I’ve had since I opened a restaurant when I was 19, a half-filled notebook, and an answering machine.

She turned the little white answering machine this way and that, pondering what it did. I didn’t offer an explanation because I enjoy letting her figure things out as well as she can. Finally she gave in and asked me what it was, and I told her its an answering machine. Just then, Tripp started climbing the shelves on the big old entertainment center. I turned away from her and walked the few steps to pry him off his indoor gym. I heard her whisper behind me, “Does my brother love me?” I turned, ready to reassure her how special she is to us all, and saw she had the machine pressed to her ear, listening intently for what answer the answering machine would give her.

Rebuilding

Okay… Last post about the boyfriend, I promise. I can promise that because he’s now officially my ex-boyfriend. He texted me good morning yesterday, then ignored me all day. I called him and it rang til it went to voice-mail, so I texted him and told him it’s over. I don’t know if that was redundant, because I kind of feel like he broke up with me when he quit talking to me, but I needed the finality of it. I really don’t even know if he read the damned text, because he still ignored me, but I have to assume he did.

The really unexpected development is that I’m actually relieved it’s over. The stress of the last week and a half was crazy. My heart broke a little every time my text alert went off and it wasn’t him. Now, I don’t even expect or hope he’ll text, and it feels good. It’s also a relief because it is hard to date when you’re a single mom. The late night visits to his house and juggling my time between him and the kids on the weekends was exhausting. I usually went to his house at least once a week after the kids went to bed, and I wouldn’t get home til two or three in the morning. Then I had to get up at six to get the kids and myself off to school.

Lately, I had noticed I never felt good enough when I was with him. I’ve thought about that a lot and I don’t think it was anything he did that caused it. It was something going on in my own head. In fact, to be perfectly honest, it may have had something to do with why things went sour. Confidence is attractive, but it also acts attractive. When I felt really down about myself, even though I could pretend to be confident, I was snappish and on edge, and analyzing everything he said, and being overly sensitive about it all because I felt like I didn’t really deserve to be with him.

So! It’s time for a little more life change, baby!

I know I’ve come a really long way since Thomas left almost two years ago. I was a mess when we were together, but I was a complete mess after he left! I mean, seriously. I’m not yet able to really put it into words, but if you knew me then you had a tiny idea of what was really going on with me. I was able to rebuild my confidence in my intelligence and abilities, but not in my physical self image. Mainly because of my weight.

You see, I’ve never been a skinny person. Even in high-school, I was a size 8 or 10. While I would KILL to be that small again, all the other girls wore a 0, so I was still “fat” in my head. Recently, I came across an old Polaroid of me holding up a pin and certificate from being inducted into the National Art Honor Society, and I literally gaped at it. I was SO SKINNY! I can’t even believe I didn’t know it then. Last year, I lost around 30lbs and was really starting to feel good about myself again. But when I got promoted, the weight just piled back on and I’m right back where I was. I’m fat and I hate it. I’m literally “extra-large” or “plus-sized.”

However, I’m super excited to get the weight off.  I even applied for food stamps today so I can afford to buy the kind of food I need to lose weight. I’m going to pull Tripp’s stroller out and want to start walking the neighborhood with him. I want to start again with the work-out routine I used to do. I wish I could still buy ephedrine. It’s bad for your heart but it helped me lose a good 50lbs before.

I’m not going to go on and on about my plans. No one really cares about that. I just wanted to say I’m okay, and I’m happy, and I have plans.

Oh! There is one other thing! I’m taking a break from dating. This is the first time since Thomas left that I didn’t want to be a part of a relationship. Technically, I guess it’s the first time since before I started dating Thomas, and that was a loooong time ago. Tentatively, I’m saying six months of no dating. I may extend it if I want, but I really want to do at least that. Even if something changes with Barret (because like it or not, I do still love him and miss him) I’m sticking to my six month break. I need to figure out me first. That doesn’t mean “me, but I really want to be an us,” either. Seems like every time I date a guy, I start off thinking he could be The One, at least for a period of time.

Something else… I’m really enjoying just writing for me. I’m getting some hits, but I have no idea where they’re coming from. So whether or not anyone reads this, I’m okay with it because I’m actually writing for me again. It feels good.

I’m really excited about life right now!

Dichotomy

Okay, I swear I’m going to stop going on and on about my love life, but hang in there with me a little longer. The good news is I’m really enjoying writing again, and soon I hope to get back to the funny things I used to write about. But until then…

The kids and I had to stop by the store after school for lunch supplies for the week. Out of habit, I had my phone in my pocket rather than my purse so I can hear and/or feel it if it rings. It screeched out it’s annoying text alert and I tapped it without looking just to shut it up. I finished prying the dozen toys from Tripp’s sticky little death-grip, and feeling frazzled and more than my thirty-two years, I checked my phone. I expected it would be one of the several awesome friends who have been holding me up the last week.

“Barret” it said. My heart froze, except it sped up to a million miles an hour at the same time. How it could simultaneously beat and not beat is beyond my intelligence, but I swear that’s what it felt like. I was absolutely terrified to open the message and yet I was thrilled he had texted me. As my finger moved to the open button, the sound and motion of the kids around me faded into a pale, swirly tunnel. All I could see was the phone and my shaking hand.

I knew it would basically say one of two things. Either, “I’m sorry. Let me explain.” or “I’m sorry. I don’t want to see you anymore.” Theoretically, we had already broken up simply by him not speaking to me for a week. It didn’t really matter who decided it, we weren’t seeing each other. But, you see, I needed that conversation. Not to sound cliche, but I needed the closure. I think these must have been the thoughts in my brain. It was my heart that was contradictory. My heart suddenly burst forth glitter rainbows at the hope that it would be the first option. I knew then, as mad as I am about the recent treatment, I love him. I don’t want it to be over. Not yet. Just a little while longer.

As is typical with Barret, he completely threw me for a loop with that first text. It wasn’t either previously explained option. It said simply, “OMG.” Naturally, I asked, “OMG what?” He said he always get himself into situations and I had some snarky, thinly-veiled, passive-aggressive comeback. He tried some idle chit-chat, and I kept up the snark. His replies became short one or two word texts. I kept on, and when he said I was acting immature, I come out full-aggressive. Angry and accusatory. So he stopped responding at all. I was angry again. I mean, who the hell does he think he is, you know? I hadn’t done anything wrong and he just disappeared and acted like I was NOTHING to him. All because he had some big mysterious problems?? Where did he get off?

When I got the kids to bed, I reread the conversation and thought about my texts more than his. He was trying to be friendly and I was being a complete and total bitch. I checked the time on the first message, and he seems to have texted me pretty much as soon as he got home from work. I know I’m supposed to be all mad about what he did, but I really started to feel bad about how I was handling it. I read further back into the texts from the last week or so, and there were a few that were snotty, to say the least. The night before he stopped talking to me, in particular, stood out. I was mad because we had planned that he would come over Sunday night (for the record, we had just spent the weekend together), and after I fought to get the kids down on time, rushed through cleaning the house and getting ready, he asked me if he could come the next night instead. It would have been better if he had told me that before it was time for him to get here, and I told him so. Rudely.

I texted him again, nicely this time, asking him why did he text me if he didn’t want to talk to me. Since you can’t read intonation, I added that I wasn’t being mean or bitchy, just asking. And I think I hit the nail on the head. He texted me back that I take things out on him. I apologized for that, told him I’m just so confused and upset, but I didn’t hear back from him.

Now that I know this, I can think about it. And in thinking about it, I can accept responsibility for my part in this. I’m not saying what he did was okay, because it’s not. Not by a very long shot. But what I’ve done wasn’t okay, either. Also, not by a long shot. I just wish he had told me. That he had talked to me instead of shutting me out so I could try to address my part of it. Not only to him, but mostly to myself.

It’s no excuse, but the depression has been trying to come back the last four or six weeks. I’ve been aware of it for a couple of weeks, but it’s not an over-night fix. When the chemicals get low, it takes time to build them back up. In my borderline depression, I’ve been overly… Everything. Overly sensitive, over analyzing everything he says and does or doesn’t do, overly aggressive or overly quiet. I think that led me to being snappish with him. Considering the things I know he’s been going through the last month, it’s no wonder we’re where we are today.

I have no idea what will happen now. I hope we can work it out. I hope,together, we haven’t managed to ruin this wonderful thing we had. I… Hope. And that’s not a bad thing.

When Its Over

Six days.

Six days since he started ignoring me.

Six days of pure hell of torturing myself.

Six days for six months.

Six years since the last time we dated.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

I don’t really know what’s going on. He texted me Monday night, after ignoring me the couple of times I texted him, and said, “Just let me deal with my own problems.” Because I know Barret, it didn’t really surprise me. I was pissed, and hurt, and confused, but not really surprised. He kind of shuts down emotionally, I think, when he’s under a lot of stress. I can actually relate to it because of having dealt with depression and anxiety.

So I gave him the space he needed. It was hard and I can’t say I didn’t cave and text him a couple of times. Once it was “I hope you feel better soon and I still love you.” One day I texted him good morning and good night. I didn’t want to seem desperate, but I didn’t want him to think I hated him either. A couple of days I didn’t text him at all. Once he texted me good night.

Today, I couldn’t take it anymore. He doesn’t get to just disappear! If he wants it to be over between us, he can damn well have the balls to actually do it! So I texted him this morning. Just a simple “You’re going to have to talk to me eventually.” And I called. Left a message. Called again. And again. Several times. I thought he’d get pissed and answer the phone and that was all I wanted, you know? A couple hours later I finally got a text from him, so it did work. I pissed him off enough that he responded, at least. He said he needs a “break to get things in order” and that he has “personal problems that need attention.” Okay, for the record, I am a personal problem now and I need attention, too. He also said he’s not in town and he’ll talk to me later. I don’t know when “later” is supposed to get here, because he still hasn’t talked to me.

I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I know I deserve better than this. I keep telling myself that and yet I’m incredibly sad. I really, truly believed he was the real deal. There were things that bugged me, and I could tell something was up Monday before I knew he was ignoring me. Things before these last two weeks were really good. Really really good! Last week was alright but he seemed really stressed out and on edge. This week has sucked ass, naturally.

I don’t know what to think! I don’t know if it really is just stress and problems he needs to face and handle, or if there’s someone else, or if he was just lying and pretending the whole time. I don’t know if he’s honestly just that scared of commitment, like maybe he’s trying to psych himself up for it. Or WHAT. There are so many endless possibilities and that is driving me absolutely bat fucking shit crazy. I don’t know if someone in his family is sick or if he’s sick. Or why he’s in the small town he’s in. It’s not a tourist destination by a loooooong shot.

Eventually, I know he’ll talk to me. I really do know that. For one thing, my cell phone is on his line. What I don’t know is what he’ll say. I know I’m beyond pissed and hurt and beating myself up for believing in him. So… Its over. As badly as I don’t want it to be, as much as one part of me hopes he’ll have some plausible story with documentation to back it up, I know it has to be over. I’ve been in so many bad relationships and I don’t think I could ever trust him again.

But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Hollywood or Reality?

I’m feeling a little… Disenchanted. I think that’s how I feel, anyway. I’m just sick of everything today. I’m sick of school, my parents, this house… Myself. I’m especially sick of questioning everything today.

I find myself really questioning my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m starting to see more things that bug me as we continue spending time together. For example, he can be a little emotionally selfish. I didn’t know that was possible, but it is. I don’t expect him to be perfect, don’t even want him to be perfect for that matter, but how much is okay to accept?

I’ve settled before by blocking out all the bad. Love is blind, you know. So this time around I’m making a real effort to see him as he really is. There is no question at all in my mind about whether or not I love him. I know I do, and I believe he loves me, too. That’s based on real actions, too, not just words. Thing is, there are times when maybe his actions don’t say it so much.  This is so hard to explain and I don’t feel like I’m expressing it right. It’s just there are times I say something because I want him to say something that makes me feel validated and he doesn’t. The other night I was at his house and he said he was getting ready to lie down. I asked him if he wanted me to come with him (wanting him to say, “Of course! I don’t want to go to bed without you!” or something like that) and he just casually said I could come if I wanted. Like it didn’t matter to him. We talked about it and he apologized and said he’d had a bad day yadda yadda. I don’t expect him to be psychic or somehow know all the weird things women want. I know he was raised without affection and is a little emotionally stunted. I accept that. But I want to feel important. I want to feel like I matter! Most of the time with him, I do, and I guess it’s asking a lot to expect it all the time…

Is it asking too much to be loved fiercely? To be loved so much he feels like he’d die if I didn’t love him anymore? Is that only Hollywood and Harlequin love? I want the fairy tale! A lot of times, I have an “all or nothing” attitude. And most of the time, I feel like I have it all with him. But those sometimes really get to me. I like it that he is who he is with me. I don’t feel like he’s pretending to be someone he’s not, and that means I won’t be surprised later when I learn who he really is.

We have a lot of good times together. We talk for hours about anything, finish each others sentences, say the same things at the same time (almost to the point of some kind of psychic thing. It’s weird.), laugh all the time. We cuddle when it doesn’t mean sex. He kisses me like he means it (except when he doesn’t. I don’t get that. It’s not often, just sometimes it’s different.) and is tender with me.

I don’t know. I feel so stupid for writing this. I know (now) there are a couple of you reading, and I apologize for the melodrama. Probably I have PMS or some other hormonal fluctuation. The weekend with him went well. Probably I’m just scared because of having been burned so bad before. I just don’t want to settle, and I don’t really know how to tell if I’m settling or going to the other extreme and expecting something that doesn’t really happen.

Feelings. Nothing More Than… Feelings

I haven’t written in so long, I almost don’t remember how, but there are all these thoughts racing around my head and it’s either get them out or explode. So here goes nothing. The good news is no one reads this anymore, so I can write openly and honestly. Right? I’m so overwhelmed by feelings today. For one thing, I’m utterly and completely exhausted and I don’t really know why. Sure, I go to school full-time, but honestly (because I’m being honest with myself. Right?), it doesn’t take much time or effort. Algebra is the hardest and that’s only one good day of it. All the rest is ridiculously easy so far. I’m sure it will get harder. I’m sure there will be classes that I have to bust my ass for, but the point is right now I’m barely putting forth any effort at all and doing pretty well. I mean, I do try to do well, but it’s just… Easy. I don’t think I can chalk the exhaustion up to school.

The kids take a lot of my time, but I can’t say it’s all them, either. There are chunks of time in my day where I’m essentially doing nothing. I have things to do, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing them. I suck at so many parts of motherhood. Like always having the house clean. And laundry. There’s ALWAYS too much laundry to possibly ever catch up. The kids do their homework mostly alone. They bathe themselves. I don’t even have to cook dinner most days.

So why the hell am I so tired all the time?

Some of it could be spending time with my boyfriend, but I don’t really think so. I usually see him one night during the week, and one night on the weekend. If it’s the weekend that Tessa and Tripp are at their dad’s, I spend the night and part of the next day with him. I don’t think that could really be the cause of it, but even if it is, there’s no way in hell I’m giving that up.

He’s incredible, by the way. There are so many times I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not broken his heart ten years ago. If he hadn’t broken mine six years ago. I can’t go back, and I know the struggles I’ve been through have made me the person I am today. What if that’s just some big dumb cliché, though. What if I would have been an awesome person or so stupid happy that no one but he could tolerate my company?

As amazing as he is, I’m absolutely terrified of him. If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that people will hurt you. It’s inevitable. There really isn’t much chance of finding that One True Love. I fully believe you can fall in love with a person, and never stop loving them until the day you die, but the chances of that person feeling the same way about YOU are pretty slim. They’ll probably fall in love with someone else and love them until the day they die. And that person will love someone ELSE til the day they die. I think the whole point of life is love, but what if the missing factor in that belief is that its unrequited love?

I’ve loved Barret for ten years. It changed, evolved, morphed into something else while we weren’t together, but it was always there. I’m deeply in love with him now. My heart is thrilled that we’re together, but my brain is screaming that I’m an idiot. That it’ll never last because I’m not thin enough, smart enough, funny enough, perfect enough. It scares the fuck out of me that we first dated, brief as it was, before I had kids. And that the second time we dated, I’d only had one and had most of the baby weight off. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that size. Even if I do, my boobs will never look that amazing again. I did have a great set back in the day.

I don’t know. I know he loves me. I can feel it and hear it and see it. But he’s as scared of getting hurt again as I am. While I know how I react to things, naturally I don’t really know that about him. I mean, he’s so fucking smart. He really might be the smartest man I know. And he’s more logical than emotional, so what if the fear gets the best of him? One part of me thinks, “Get out before he does.” The other part, the bigger part, basically threatens to beat that part down with brass knuckles and a billy stick if they so much as utter a word.

My main instinct says it will be fine. I can really see a future with him. But oh my God I am so fucking scared right now. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to put that much belief in a person because if I’m proved wrong again, my faith in the whole of humanity will be gone. GONE. I want to believe in the fairy tale. I want it so bad. But life has taught me that fairy tales don’t exist. And life has proven me right about that time and again. So. Now what?

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