Can’t Never Could

I didn’t sleep again last night, and that left a lot of time lying in the dark and thinking about life. I wasn’t very pleased with it, either. When did I become this weak, ineffectual person? Life happened, and there have been quite a few really fucked up things, but it’s how a person reacts to life happening to them that makes them who they are. I miss the girl I used to be!

I was on the phone last night with an old friend, and he asked me what kind of job am I looking for. I realized he meant NOW and I told him I can’t go to school full-time, raise three kids without help, and work. He pointed out lots of people do it, and he seemed sure that I can, too. Conversation moved on and we talked a while longer, but that stuck in my head. There was something wrong with it… After we hung up, I replayed our conversation, and realized the problem. I said I couldn’t do it because it was too hard. I couldn’t believe I had said that! And worse, I believed it!

Growing up, my mom always said, “Can’t never could!” It drove me crazy back then, but it stuck and I say the same thing to my kids. How can I ever do it if I don’t even try? My classes get out by noon, so there’s really no reason I can’t go back to work. Sitting in this house is killing me. Literally. And then? Once I’m working again? I’m moving us back out. I love my mom and dad, and I appreciate their help when I’ve needed it, but it’s turned out to be a not so healthy environment. I’m constantly stressed out and pissed off and I haven’t been a very good mother. I made sacrifices when I needed to move home. Now it’s time to make sacrifices to move us back out. I’ll get on welfare if I have to. Living with my parents is far from my only option. I even had myself believing that if I go to school, I have to stay here. That I was tied in for the next two years. For a while yesterday, I even thought about not going back to school at all, just going back to work so we can move back out. But thanks to that friend reminding me of the girl he remembers me being, I realize we do have options. I just had to think around the problem. Ambush it instead of a direct attack.

I know it’ll be hard. I know it’ll be homework at midnight and studying every free second I have. I already talked to the kids and they say they’re willing to help out and have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. They want out as badly as I do. They know it’ll be hard. But just like their mother, they have strong spirits and won’t let it stop them.

Life happened and I let it happen to me instead of fighting back. I let my self be replaced with wife and mother and daughter. I can’t change the past, but I can and will direct the future.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ThePeachy1
    Dec 15, 2010 @ 11:51:44

    I am SOOOO GLAD to see this post. I was really worrying about you. I am not an “old friend” or hell even a friend. But I too walked that road, I too became so smacked in the face with the speedbumps of life that at one point I stopped being with the ” shut up, I can do this” and became the ” math is hard barbie”. No ONE ever said wow, life is like a bowl of cherries, nothing bad will ever happen, you will never have to sacrifice, nothing will go wrong and oh yeah IT”S FAIR. If they do I will kick them in the face right after you tackle them to the ground. The point is, I chose to take the hard roads, right or wrong, and lived with those choices, and the more people pittied me or shook their head the more ammo they gave me to blow their minds with my unwaivering kick assedness. You too young Jedi have that power, I knew it from the first second I saw a post from you. You lost your way for a minute via sacrifice, now it’s time to REGAIN that power, via sacrifice. DO IT. Rock it, own it, and kick it’s butt.

    xo

    Reply

    • Wendy
      Dec 15, 2010 @ 13:29:29

      Had to give the keyboard back so Im using the onscreen… Meaning its gonna be short. I do consider you a friend even though we’ve never met and don’t talk every day. I sense you’re a lot like me. lol. And thank you jedi master. may the force be with you.

      Reply

  2. Becky
    Dec 15, 2010 @ 14:49:21

    Out of all the words I could use to describe you, quitter, weak, timid, afraid, aren’t ones that come to mind. You have endured too much shit to give up on yourself! Its time to focus on you and your kids. You need to better yourself so your kids can have their mom back.

    Work, school, and kids…it can be done. Some days will be easier than others. But the end result is SOOOOO worth it. I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this.

    You need to do this. For your sanity and for your kid’s sake.

    I’m digging out the pom-poms to cheer you on 😉

    Reply

  3. angel smith
    Dec 15, 2010 @ 18:45:51

    I 100% know you can. You are no less anything..except lbs, lmao, and I did it. Sky’s the limit, baby.

    Reply

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