Feelings. Nothing More Than… Feelings

I haven’t written in so long, I almost don’t remember how, but there are all these thoughts racing around my head and it’s either get them out or explode. So here goes nothing. The good news is no one reads this anymore, so I can write openly and honestly. Right? I’m so overwhelmed by feelings today. For one thing, I’m utterly and completely exhausted and I don’t really know why. Sure, I go to school full-time, but honestly (because I’m being honest with myself. Right?), it doesn’t take much time or effort. Algebra is the hardest and that’s only one good day of it. All the rest is ridiculously easy so far. I’m sure it will get harder. I’m sure there will be classes that I have to bust my ass for, but the point is right now I’m barely putting forth any effort at all and doing pretty well. I mean, I do try to do well, but it’s just… Easy. I don’t think I can chalk the exhaustion up to school.

The kids take a lot of my time, but I can’t say it’s all them, either. There are chunks of time in my day where I’m essentially doing nothing. I have things to do, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing them. I suck at so many parts of motherhood. Like always having the house clean. And laundry. There’s ALWAYS too much laundry to possibly ever catch up. The kids do their homework mostly alone. They bathe themselves. I don’t even have to cook dinner most days.

So why the hell am I so tired all the time?

Some of it could be spending time with my boyfriend, but I don’t really think so. I usually see him one night during the week, and one night on the weekend. If it’s the weekend that Tessa and Tripp are at their dad’s, I spend the night and part of the next day with him. I don’t think that could really be the cause of it, but even if it is, there’s no way in hell I’m giving that up.

He’s incredible, by the way. There are so many times I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not broken his heart ten years ago. If he hadn’t broken mine six years ago. I can’t go back, and I know the struggles I’ve been through have made me the person I am today. What if that’s just some big dumb cliché, though. What if I would have been an awesome person or so stupid happy that no one but he could tolerate my company?

As amazing as he is, I’m absolutely terrified of him. If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that people will hurt you. It’s inevitable. There really isn’t much chance of finding that One True Love. I fully believe you can fall in love with a person, and never stop loving them until the day you die, but the chances of that person feeling the same way about YOU are pretty slim. They’ll probably fall in love with someone else and love them until the day they die. And that person will love someone ELSE til the day they die. I think the whole point of life is love, but what if the missing factor in that belief is that its unrequited love?

I’ve loved Barret for ten years. It changed, evolved, morphed into something else while we weren’t together, but it was always there. I’m deeply in love with him now. My heart is thrilled that we’re together, but my brain is screaming that I’m an idiot. That it’ll never last because I’m not thin enough, smart enough, funny enough, perfect enough. It scares the fuck out of me that we first dated, brief as it was, before I had kids. And that the second time we dated, I’d only had one and had most of the baby weight off. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that size. Even if I do, my boobs will never look that amazing again. I did have a great set back in the day.

I don’t know. I know he loves me. I can feel it and hear it and see it. But he’s as scared of getting hurt again as I am. While I know how I react to things, naturally I don’t really know that about him. I mean, he’s so fucking smart. He really might be the smartest man I know. And he’s more logical than emotional, so what if the fear gets the best of him? One part of me thinks, “Get out before he does.” The other part, the bigger part, basically threatens to beat that part down with brass knuckles and a billy stick if they so much as utter a word.

My main instinct says it will be fine. I can really see a future with him. But oh my God I am so fucking scared right now. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to put that much belief in a person because if I’m proved wrong again, my faith in the whole of humanity will be gone. GONE. I want to believe in the fairy tale. I want it so bad. But life has taught me that fairy tales don’t exist. And life has proven me right about that time and again. So. Now what?