I’m feeling a little… Disenchanted. I think that’s how I feel, anyway. I’m just sick of everything today. I’m sick of school, my parents, this house… Myself. I’m especially sick of questioning everything today.
I find myself really questioning my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m starting to see more things that bug me as we continue spending time together. For example, he can be a little emotionally selfish. I didn’t know that was possible, but it is. I don’t expect him to be perfect, don’t even want him to be perfect for that matter, but how much is okay to accept?
I’ve settled before by blocking out all the bad. Love is blind, you know. So this time around I’m making a real effort to see him as he really is. There is no question at all in my mind about whether or not I love him. I know I do, and I believe he loves me, too. That’s based on real actions, too, not just words. Thing is, there are times when maybe his actions don’t say it so much. This is so hard to explain and I don’t feel like I’m expressing it right. It’s just there are times I say something because I want him to say something that makes me feel validated and he doesn’t. The other night I was at his house and he said he was getting ready to lie down. I asked him if he wanted me to come with him (wanting him to say, “Of course! I don’t want to go to bed without you!” or something like that) and he just casually said I could come if I wanted. Like it didn’t matter to him. We talked about it and he apologized and said he’d had a bad day yadda yadda. I don’t expect him to be psychic or somehow know all the weird things women want. I know he was raised without affection and is a little emotionally stunted. I accept that. But I want to feel important. I want to feel like I matter! Most of the time with him, I do, and I guess it’s asking a lot to expect it all the time…
Is it asking too much to be loved fiercely? To be loved so much he feels like he’d die if I didn’t love him anymore? Is that only Hollywood and Harlequin love? I want the fairy tale! A lot of times, I have an “all or nothing” attitude. And most of the time, I feel like I have it all with him. But those sometimes really get to me. I like it that he is who he is with me. I don’t feel like he’s pretending to be someone he’s not, and that means I won’t be surprised later when I learn who he really is.
We have a lot of good times together. We talk for hours about anything, finish each others sentences, say the same things at the same time (almost to the point of some kind of psychic thing. It’s weird.), laugh all the time. We cuddle when it doesn’t mean sex. He kisses me like he means it (except when he doesn’t. I don’t get that. It’s not often, just sometimes it’s different.) and is tender with me.
I don’t know. I feel so stupid for writing this. I know (now) there are a couple of you reading, and I apologize for the melodrama. Probably I have PMS or some other hormonal fluctuation. The weekend with him went well. Probably I’m just scared because of having been burned so bad before. I just don’t want to settle, and I don’t really know how to tell if I’m settling or going to the other extreme and expecting something that doesn’t really happen.