When Its Over

Six days.

Six days since he started ignoring me.

Six days of pure hell of torturing myself.

Six days for six months.

Six years since the last time we dated.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

I don’t really know what’s going on. He texted me Monday night, after ignoring me the couple of times I texted him, and said, “Just let me deal with my own problems.” Because I know Barret, it didn’t really surprise me. I was pissed, and hurt, and confused, but not really surprised. He kind of shuts down emotionally, I think, when he’s under a lot of stress. I can actually relate to it because of having dealt with depression and anxiety.

So I gave him the space he needed. It was hard and I can’t say I didn’t cave and text him a couple of times. Once it was “I hope you feel better soon and I still love you.” One day I texted him good morning and good night. I didn’t want to seem desperate, but I didn’t want him to think I hated him either. A couple of days I didn’t text him at all. Once he texted me good night.

Today, I couldn’t take it anymore. He doesn’t get to just disappear! If he wants it to be over between us, he can damn well have the balls to actually do it! So I texted him this morning. Just a simple “You’re going to have to talk to me eventually.” And I called. Left a message. Called again. And again. Several times. I thought he’d get pissed and answer the phone and that was all I wanted, you know? A couple hours later I finally got a text from him, so it did work. I pissed him off enough that he responded, at least. He said he needs a “break to get things in order” and that he has “personal problems that need attention.” Okay, for the record, I am a personal problem now and I need attention, too. He also said he’s not in town and he’ll talk to me later. I don’t know when “later” is supposed to get here, because he still hasn’t talked to me.

I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I know I deserve better than this. I keep telling myself that and yet I’m incredibly sad. I really, truly believed he was the real deal. There were things that bugged me, and I could tell something was up Monday before I knew he was ignoring me. Things before these last two weeks were really good. Really really good! Last week was alright but he seemed really stressed out and on edge. This week has sucked ass, naturally.

I don’t know what to think! I don’t know if it really is just stress and problems he needs to face and handle, or if there’s someone else, or if he was just lying and pretending the whole time. I don’t know if he’s honestly just that scared of commitment, like maybe he’s trying to psych himself up for it. Or WHAT. There are so many endless possibilities and that is driving me absolutely bat fucking shit crazy. I don’t know if someone in his family is sick or if he’s sick. Or why he’s in the small town he’s in. It’s not a tourist destination by a loooooong shot.

Eventually, I know he’ll talk to me. I really do know that. For one thing, my cell phone is on his line. What I don’t know is what he’ll say. I know I’m beyond pissed and hurt and beating myself up for believing in him. So… Its over. As badly as I don’t want it to be, as much as one part of me hopes he’ll have some plausible story with documentation to back it up, I know it has to be over. I’ve been in so many bad relationships and I don’t think I could ever trust him again.

But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

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