Okay… Last post about the boyfriend, I promise. I can promise that because he’s now officially my ex-boyfriend. He texted me good morning yesterday, then ignored me all day. I called him and it rang til it went to voice-mail, so I texted him and told him it’s over. I don’t know if that was redundant, because I kind of feel like he broke up with me when he quit talking to me, but I needed the finality of it. I really don’t even know if he read the damned text, because he still ignored me, but I have to assume he did.
The really unexpected development is that I’m actually relieved it’s over. The stress of the last week and a half was crazy. My heart broke a little every time my text alert went off and it wasn’t him. Now, I don’t even expect or hope he’ll text, and it feels good. It’s also a relief because it is hard to date when you’re a single mom. The late night visits to his house and juggling my time between him and the kids on the weekends was exhausting. I usually went to his house at least once a week after the kids went to bed, and I wouldn’t get home til two or three in the morning. Then I had to get up at six to get the kids and myself off to school.
Lately, I had noticed I never felt good enough when I was with him. I’ve thought about that a lot and I don’t think it was anything he did that caused it. It was something going on in my own head. In fact, to be perfectly honest, it may have had something to do with why things went sour. Confidence is attractive, but it also acts attractive. When I felt really down about myself, even though I could pretend to be confident, I was snappish and on edge, and analyzing everything he said, and being overly sensitive about it all because I felt like I didn’t really deserve to be with him.
So! It’s time for a little more life change, baby!
I know I’ve come a really long way since Thomas left almost two years ago. I was a mess when we were together, but I was a complete mess after he left! I mean, seriously. I’m not yet able to really put it into words, but if you knew me then you had a tiny idea of what was really going on with me. I was able to rebuild my confidence in my intelligence and abilities, but not in my physical self image. Mainly because of my weight.
You see, I’ve never been a skinny person. Even in high-school, I was a size 8 or 10. While I would KILL to be that small again, all the other girls wore a 0, so I was still “fat” in my head. Recently, I came across an old Polaroid of me holding up a pin and certificate from being inducted into the National Art Honor Society, and I literally gaped at it. I was SO SKINNY! I can’t even believe I didn’t know it then. Last year, I lost around 30lbs and was really starting to feel good about myself again. But when I got promoted, the weight just piled back on and I’m right back where I was. I’m fat and I hate it. I’m literally “extra-large” or “plus-sized.”
However, I’m super excited to get the weight off. I even applied for food stamps today so I can afford to buy the kind of food I need to lose weight. I’m going to pull Tripp’s stroller out and want to start walking the neighborhood with him. I want to start again with the work-out routine I used to do. I wish I could still buy ephedrine. It’s bad for your heart but it helped me lose a good 50lbs before.
I’m not going to go on and on about my plans. No one really cares about that. I just wanted to say I’m okay, and I’m happy, and I have plans.
Oh! There is one other thing! I’m taking a break from dating. This is the first time since Thomas left that I didn’t want to be a part of a relationship. Technically, I guess it’s the first time since before I started dating Thomas, and that was a loooong time ago. Tentatively, I’m saying six months of no dating. I may extend it if I want, but I really want to do at least that. Even if something changes with Barret (because like it or not, I do still love him and miss him) I’m sticking to my six month break. I need to figure out me first. That doesn’t mean “me, but I really want to be an us,” either. Seems like every time I date a guy, I start off thinking he could be The One, at least for a period of time.
Something else… I’m really enjoying just writing for me. I’m getting some hits, but I have no idea where they’re coming from. So whether or not anyone reads this, I’m okay with it because I’m actually writing for me again. It feels good.
I’m really excited about life right now!