I said I was going to keep this place from being a pity party and that I was going to write about all the funny things the kids do or maybe a funny rant every once in a while. I want to, and I’m honestly trying, but tonight I need to let it out. I’m on an emotional roller-coaster and at the moment, I’m sad. I know. You’re already rolling your eyes thinking this is going to be about the ex-boyfriend, and it is, but only to a certain level.

I am sad that I’m alone again, but the broken heart pain is starting to fade. When I really think about it, I know we weren’t right for each other, but I wanted it so bad that I tried to make it right. I think what it boils down to is feeling like if a man loves me that much, then I must be okay. I might even be worth it. Realizing this makes me want to scream in frustration, because it’s a part of the same feelings I’ve always had. Feelings I thought I had moved past, worked through, gotten over.

People say, “No one else can love you until you love yourself.” I know there’s an opposite, no matter how wrong it is. “If no one else loves you, how can you love yourself.” I know this is wrong, and yet I can’t do anything about it. I need to feel needed. I need to love and feel loved. What I really want, is to be cherished. Just. Cherished.

Getting over Barret is still hard. I need to unfriend him on Facebook because nearly every time my mouse points to my name on accident, the hover window opens up and he’s there. I know they’re random, but it makes me think he’s still checking on me. I know he’s not. Maybe I just need to believe he might be for a little while longer. I don’t know. I’m terribly confused tonight. And I meant to write about something else entirely. And that would be the following, I suppose…

Well. I typed that and now I’ve really got nothing. But I do have plans. Plans for my career, education, and my self. I’m working on making a lot of fundamental improvements, but I guess it’s just hard to write about it. I don’t want to sound silly or immature. One thing that’s been nice is I’m getting a lot of compliments, on Facebook if nowhere else. That helps so much. I need to believe in myself again, and it’s beginning to be a little less of a struggle.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Wren's Cage
    Apr 29, 2011 @ 23:07:45

    it is nice to read thoughts and relate
    to be different to you
    but realize i am not a mutation of the humanrace
    because we are similar.

    here’s hoping the cloud lifts before long
    and you feel worthy


  2. Wendy
    Apr 29, 2011 @ 23:51:33

    What a beautiful comment. 🙂 Thanks.


  3. Jeff Silvey
    May 02, 2011 @ 11:46:46

    (a) Unfriend the guy on FB, right now. Immediately.
    (b) “I know there’s an opposite, no matter how wrong it is. ‘If no one else loves you, how can you love yourself.”
    But it’s not “no one.” Just no one you know right now. Maybe you just haven’t met the right people yet. I happen to have a strangely unsupportive group of friends, and I used to get down on myself and discouraged about everything I tried to do in life. But then I realized that I needed to get out there and surround myself with kinder and more supportive people. Keep plugging away, and being open, and you’ll find the right person. It just takes patience, but I know it’s not easy while you’re waiting.


    • Wendy
      May 03, 2011 @ 22:49:27

      You know, that’s the thing, though. I’m *surrounded* by people who love and support me, it’s just there’s something missing. I’m working on just enjoying my “man hiatus” for the moment. I’m doing a lot better than I was.

      I can’t say I’ve unfriended him yet, but it’s more because if he IS checking on me, I want him to know I’m not moping around. lol. Mostly not, anyway.


  4. Karl
    May 03, 2011 @ 17:52:17

    You’re a real catch, and some day someone will realize that. And I’d block the ex on FB if I were you, but that’s me.


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