I said I was going to keep this place from being a pity party and that I was going to write about all the funny things the kids do or maybe a funny rant every once in a while. I want to, and I’m honestly trying, but tonight I need to let it out. I’m on an emotional roller-coaster and at the moment, I’m sad. I know. You’re already rolling your eyes thinking this is going to be about the ex-boyfriend, and it is, but only to a certain level.
I am sad that I’m alone again, but the broken heart pain is starting to fade. When I really think about it, I know we weren’t right for each other, but I wanted it so bad that I tried to make it right. I think what it boils down to is feeling like if a man loves me that much, then I must be okay. I might even be worth it. Realizing this makes me want to scream in frustration, because it’s a part of the same feelings I’ve always had. Feelings I thought I had moved past, worked through, gotten over.
People say, “No one else can love you until you love yourself.” I know there’s an opposite, no matter how wrong it is. “If no one else loves you, how can you love yourself.” I know this is wrong, and yet I can’t do anything about it. I need to feel needed. I need to love and feel loved. What I really want, is to be cherished. Just. Cherished.
Getting over Barret is still hard. I need to unfriend him on Facebook because nearly every time my mouse points to my name on accident, the hover window opens up and he’s there. I know they’re random, but it makes me think he’s still checking on me. I know he’s not. Maybe I just need to believe he might be for a little while longer. I don’t know. I’m terribly confused tonight. And I meant to write about something else entirely. And that would be the following, I suppose…
Well. I typed that and now I’ve really got nothing. But I do have plans. Plans for my career, education, and my self. I’m working on making a lot of fundamental improvements, but I guess it’s just hard to write about it. I don’t want to sound silly or immature. One thing that’s been nice is I’m getting a lot of compliments, on Facebook if nowhere else. That helps so much. I need to believe in myself again, and it’s beginning to be a little less of a struggle.