Worthy

I said I was going to keep this place from being a pity party and that I was going to write about all the funny things the kids do or maybe a funny rant every once in a while. I want to, and I’m honestly trying, but tonight I need to let it out. I’m on an emotional roller-coaster and at the moment, I’m sad. I know. You’re already rolling your eyes thinking this is going to be about the ex-boyfriend, and it is, but only to a certain level.

I am sad that I’m alone again, but the broken heart pain is starting to fade. When I really think about it, I know we weren’t right for each other, but I wanted it so bad that I tried to make it right. I think what it boils down to is feeling like if a man loves me that much, then I must be okay. I might even be worth it. Realizing this makes me want to scream in frustration, because it’s a part of the same feelings I’ve always had. Feelings I thought I had moved past, worked through, gotten over.

People say, “No one else can love you until you love yourself.” I know there’s an opposite, no matter how wrong it is. “If no one else loves you, how can you love yourself.” I know this is wrong, and yet I can’t do anything about it. I need to feel needed. I need to love and feel loved. What I really want, is to be cherished. Just. Cherished.

Getting over Barret is still hard. I need to unfriend him on Facebook because nearly every time my mouse points to my name on accident, the hover window opens up and he’s there. I know they’re random, but it makes me think he’s still checking on me. I know he’s not. Maybe I just need to believe he might be for a little while longer. I don’t know. I’m terribly confused tonight. And I meant to write about something else entirely. And that would be the following, I suppose…

Well. I typed that and now I’ve really got nothing. But I do have plans. Plans for my career, education, and my self. I’m working on making a lot of fundamental improvements, but I guess it’s just hard to write about it. I don’t want to sound silly or immature. One thing that’s been nice is I’m getting a lot of compliments, on Facebook if nowhere else. That helps so much. I need to believe in myself again, and it’s beginning to be a little less of a struggle.

Feelings. Nothing More Than… Feelings

I haven’t written in so long, I almost don’t remember how, but there are all these thoughts racing around my head and it’s either get them out or explode. So here goes nothing. The good news is no one reads this anymore, so I can write openly and honestly. Right? I’m so overwhelmed by feelings today. For one thing, I’m utterly and completely exhausted and I don’t really know why. Sure, I go to school full-time, but honestly (because I’m being honest with myself. Right?), it doesn’t take much time or effort. Algebra is the hardest and that’s only one good day of it. All the rest is ridiculously easy so far. I’m sure it will get harder. I’m sure there will be classes that I have to bust my ass for, but the point is right now I’m barely putting forth any effort at all and doing pretty well. I mean, I do try to do well, but it’s just… Easy. I don’t think I can chalk the exhaustion up to school.

The kids take a lot of my time, but I can’t say it’s all them, either. There are chunks of time in my day where I’m essentially doing nothing. I have things to do, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing them. I suck at so many parts of motherhood. Like always having the house clean. And laundry. There’s ALWAYS too much laundry to possibly ever catch up. The kids do their homework mostly alone. They bathe themselves. I don’t even have to cook dinner most days.

So why the hell am I so tired all the time?

Some of it could be spending time with my boyfriend, but I don’t really think so. I usually see him one night during the week, and one night on the weekend. If it’s the weekend that Tessa and Tripp are at their dad’s, I spend the night and part of the next day with him. I don’t think that could really be the cause of it, but even if it is, there’s no way in hell I’m giving that up.

He’s incredible, by the way. There are so many times I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not broken his heart ten years ago. If he hadn’t broken mine six years ago. I can’t go back, and I know the struggles I’ve been through have made me the person I am today. What if that’s just some big dumb clich√©, though. What if I would have been an awesome person or so stupid happy that no one but he could tolerate my company?

As amazing as he is, I’m absolutely terrified of him. If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that people will hurt you. It’s inevitable. There really isn’t much chance of finding that One True Love. I fully believe you can fall in love with a person, and never stop loving them until the day you die, but the chances of that person feeling the same way about YOU are pretty slim. They’ll probably fall in love with someone else and love them until the day they die. And that person will love someone ELSE til the day they die. I think the whole point of life is love, but what if the missing factor in that belief is that its unrequited love?

I’ve loved Barret for ten years. It changed, evolved, morphed into something else while we weren’t together, but it was always there. I’m deeply in love with him now. My heart is thrilled that we’re together, but my brain is screaming that I’m an idiot. That it’ll never last because I’m not thin enough, smart enough, funny enough, perfect enough. It scares the fuck out of me that we first dated, brief as it was, before I had kids. And that the second time we dated, I’d only had one and had most of the baby weight off. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that size. Even if I do, my boobs will never look that amazing again. I did have a great set back in the day.

I don’t know. I know he loves me. I can feel it and hear it and see it. But he’s as scared of getting hurt again as I am. While I know how I react to things, naturally I don’t really know that about him. I mean, he’s so fucking smart. He really might be the smartest man I know. And he’s more logical than emotional, so what if the fear gets the best of him? One part of me thinks, “Get out before he does.” The other part, the bigger part, basically threatens to beat that part down with brass knuckles and a billy stick if they so much as utter a word.

My main instinct says it will be fine. I can really see a future with him. But oh my God I am so fucking scared right now. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to put that much belief in a person because if I’m proved wrong again, my faith in the whole of humanity will be gone. GONE. I want to believe in the fairy tale. I want it so bad. But life has taught me that fairy tales don’t exist. And life has proven me right about that time and again. So. Now what?

Can’t Never Could

I didn’t sleep again last night, and that left a lot of time lying in the dark and thinking about life. I wasn’t very pleased with it, either. When did I become this weak, ineffectual person? Life happened, and there have been quite a few really fucked up things, but it’s how a person reacts to life happening to them that makes them who they are. I miss the girl I used to be!

I was on the phone last night with an old friend, and he asked me what kind of job am I looking for. I realized he meant NOW and I told him I can’t go to school full-time, raise three kids without help, and work. He pointed out lots of people do it, and he seemed sure that I can, too. Conversation moved on and we talked a while longer, but that stuck in my head. There was something wrong with it… After we hung up, I replayed our conversation, and realized the problem. I said I couldn’t do it because it was too hard. I couldn’t believe I had said that! And worse, I believed it!

Growing up, my mom always said, “Can’t never could!” It drove me crazy back then, but it stuck and I say the same thing to my kids. How can I ever do it if I don’t even try? My classes get out by noon, so there’s really no reason I can’t go back to work. Sitting in this house is killing me. Literally. And then? Once I’m working again? I’m moving us back out. I love my mom and dad, and I appreciate their help when I’ve needed it, but it’s turned out to be a not so healthy environment. I’m constantly stressed out and pissed off and I haven’t been a very good mother. I made sacrifices when I needed to move home. Now it’s time to make sacrifices to move us back out. I’ll get on welfare if I have to. Living with my parents is far from my only option. I even had myself believing that if I go to school, I have to stay here. That I was tied in for the next two years. For a while yesterday, I even thought about not going back to school at all, just going back to work so we can move back out. But thanks to that friend reminding me of the girl he remembers me being, I realize we do have options. I just had to think around the problem. Ambush it instead of a direct attack.

I know it’ll be hard. I know it’ll be homework at midnight and studying every free second I have. I already talked to the kids and they say they’re willing to help out and have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. They want out as badly as I do.¬†They know it’ll be hard. But just like their mother, they have strong spirits and won’t let it stop them.

Life happened and I let it happen to me instead of fighting back. I let my self be replaced with wife and mother and daughter. I can’t change the past, but I can and will direct the future.