Can’t Never Could

I didn’t sleep again last night, and that left a lot of time lying in the dark and thinking about life. I wasn’t very pleased with it, either. When did I become this weak, ineffectual person? Life happened, and there have been quite a few really fucked up things, but it’s how a person reacts to life happening to them that makes them who they are. I miss the girl I used to be!

I was on the phone last night with an old friend, and he asked me what kind of job am I looking for. I realized he meant NOW and I told him I can’t go to school full-time, raise three kids without help, and work. He pointed out lots of people do it, and he seemed sure that I can, too. Conversation moved on and we talked a while longer, but that stuck in my head. There was something wrong with it… After we hung up, I replayed our conversation, and realized the problem. I said I couldn’t do it because it was too hard. I couldn’t believe I had said that! And worse, I believed it!

Growing up, my mom always said, “Can’t never could!” It drove me crazy back then, but it stuck and I say the same thing to my kids. How can I ever do it if I don’t even try? My classes get out by noon, so there’s really no reason I can’t go back to work. Sitting in this house is killing me. Literally. And then? Once I’m working again? I’m moving us back out. I love my mom and dad, and I appreciate their help when I’ve needed it, but it’s turned out to be a not so healthy environment. I’m constantly stressed out and pissed off and I haven’t been a very good mother. I made sacrifices when I needed to move home. Now it’s time to make sacrifices to move us back out. I’ll get on welfare if I have to. Living with my parents is far from my only option. I even had myself believing that if I go to school, I have to stay here. That I was tied in for the next two years. For a while yesterday, I even thought about not going back to school at all, just going back to work so we can move back out. But thanks to that friend reminding me of the girl he remembers me being, I realize we do have options. I just had to think around the problem. Ambush it instead of a direct attack.

I know it’ll be hard. I know it’ll be homework at midnight and studying every free second I have. I already talked to the kids and they say they’re willing to help out and have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. They want out as badly as I do. They know it’ll be hard. But just like their mother, they have strong spirits and won’t let it stop them.

Life happened and I let it happen to me instead of fighting back. I let my self be replaced with wife and mother and daughter. I can’t change the past, but I can and will direct the future.

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Gourmet Chocolate

I’ve always been the type to rush headlong into things. I used to think of it as spontaneity, and while that is a good thing, I’ve finally come to learn jumping right into things isn’t always smart. Not if they’re life changing decisions, at any rate. Certain things should be given time, pondered patiently, and carefully considered. How many times have you heard someone say they’re an excellent judge of character? I’ve heard it countless times. I thought I was, but I’m not. I suck at it, in fact. There are a few friends that I hold near and dear and liked them from the start, but there are more that I trusted right away, just KNEW they were as awesome as I thought they were, and then I got burned. One thing I am not is a moron. I’ve learned my lessons and won’t rush into important things again.

It’s like if you have a Hershey’s Kiss. It’s so pretty and sparkly on the outside with its tinfoil wrapper. You unwrap it and pop it into your mouth, enjoying that subtle snap as you bite into it. Your mouth is flooded with sweetness and chemical connections are made in your brain that remind you of all the happy things you’ve ever experienced. Certainly not a bad time, but then it’s gone and you’re left with nothing but a sticky residue. You could get another Kiss from the bag, but every single one is exactly like the one you just had. And boredom and disappointment set in and you don’t even want them anymore. You want something different. Something… Special.

One day you’re offered a piece of chocolate out of a nearly empty box. On first glance, the chocolate is pretty, but when you take it out and examine it a little more closely, you can see from small imperfections that this piece was hand-crafted. The outside is beautifully glossy, with a perfect drizzle and swirl, and it appeals to you on a deeper level than a shiny wrapper. You smell it, drawing in subleties like bright citrus, soft vanilla, and just enough sweetness to balance the sharper smell of perfectly roasted cacao beans. The scent alone is enough to make you happy, but you know there’s even more.

Slowly, you slip the morsel into your mouth, eyes closed. You don’t bite this kind of chocolate. You savor it, a hint of the flavor to come all that’s given to you as the colder candy meets the heat of your mouth. The chocolate begins to melt and a slow awakening begins. Suddenly, taste buds explode in places you didn’t even know you had taste buds! Nearly breathless with the overwhelming sensations, you lie behind your closed eyes, visions of the tropics flashing through the darkness, and wait for the rest.

Most of the silken chocolate shell has melted away, and you discover it was filled with the richest, butteriest, smoothest caramel you’ve ever had in your whole life. Your brain almost doesn’t know what to make of the change in flavors and textures. You thought the chocolate itself was going to be the best part, but you were wrong. In a state very near sensory overload, the caramel melts, slowly enveloping your mouth in a sweet embrace. You are amazed. Utterly and completely amazed. You open your eyes slowly, letting the world back in through half-shuttered windows. This. This is what you had been searching for and you are satisfied.

Take Two

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything more than Facebook updates. I missed it, but after a while, there was so much back-story to catch up on it became too overwhelming. So I did what I always do. Did I buckle down and persevere until it was all out? No. Did I do anything at all? Nope. Well, to be fair, I thought about it, but quickly put it out of mind. Because avoiding things is what I do best! And I totally rock that shit. Then one day I got an email from Google saying it was time to pay the piper and renew my domain name. It would be automatically drafted from my account using the card information I had submitted previously. Well, thank God something in my life was going to be easy! Except I forgot that I had left that card on top of my van during a spur of the moment road trip to the beach with the kids. Coincidentally, I killed my van on that road trip.

Anyway, I got another email a few days later saying the card was rejected. Then I remembered. Of course. But not to fear! I could log on and use a different card! Except I didn’t. I kept MEANING to, but never actually DID it. Some time passed… Who knows how much. It could have been a week or a month. I have no idea. Google became fed up with my avoidance and emailed me that the blog and all related content would be deleted but they would STILL give me XX number of days to reclaim it. Guess what I didn’t do. Yep.

A few minutes ago, I tried to go to my beloved blog and got the ever-feared “page cannot be found” bullshit. I tried again, hoping like hell they were just fucking with me, but Google don’t play, y’all. So here we are. I always wanted to be on WordPress anyway.

A fresh blog with an old name… I am actually pretty cool with this. It’s symbolic of my life, of late. Forget the back story. If you didn’t know me before, none of that really matters, anyway. Let’s just say I went through absolute hell. The point is I went THROUGH it. I still have very bad days, but life is a journey, ups and downs. You know all the clichés.

Who I am right now is a strong, independent woman. I am the mother to Noah, 8, Tessa, 5, and Tripp, 2. They are awesome and completely overwhelming, as all kids are. I am divorced, unemployed, and over-weight. But I’m also finally aware of what I want and deserve in a man, going back to school in a month (and I’m so excited but incredibly scared!), and mostly happy with my curves. I am who I am. I don’t exactly know who that is because it changes.

I’m looking forward to getting to know you again, Dear Reader. I’ve missed you terribly. So take your shoes off. Stay awhile. Let’s ride this crazy train and see where it takes us.

P.S. It’s late and as the title suggests, I’m tired. I’ll prettify the place soon enough.

P.P.S. If there are any stalkers who might have printed all my posts from the old blog, I’d love to have them. There were a lot of memories about the kids that I hate to lose. You can mail them anonymously, if you prefer.

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